Shattered Identity Page 14

  Her face flamed, and she sat up straight. “That’s not true. Scott is a friend who’s helped me with my problems.”

  “You mean like the break-ins and your house exploding?”

  She couldn’t meet his gaze. She glanced down and ran her finger around the rim of her coffee cup. “That and another problem that’s popped up.”

  “Oh?”

  “A family matter.”

  His forehead wrinkled, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Lisa. I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “What you said about your wife not liking Ocracoke made me think of my mother. She hated life on the island, too.”

  He frowned. “I didn’t think you would remember your mother. You were so young when she died.”

  “I don’t remember her, but I’ve learned a lot about her lately.”

  “How?” The frown on his face disappeared, and his eyebrows arched. “Oh, the diary. I read about that in the newspaper.”

  She tapped her toe in exasperation. “Yes. I suppose everybody on the island knows about it.”

  He reached across and covered her hand with his. “I’m sorry about that. I told Terry Davidson he shouldn’t have printed that article. It was an invasion of your privacy.”

  Tears pooled in her eyes. “Thank you.”

  He took a deep breath. “Enough talk about things that make us sad. I don’t want to end the evening on a note like that. I’m going to be in meetings all day tomorrow, but I’d like to call you when I get through. I’d like for us to have dinner again.”

  A shaky smile pulled at her lips. Another date? She didn’t know about that. She’d had a good time with Travis, but something hadn’t seemed right about the evening. Even with their conversation and his sincere interest in her well-being, she kept wishing it was Scott sitting across from her. Yet after the way he’d acted at the station at lunchtime, she doubted if there would be any more evenings with him.

  A few nights ago they had sat on the beach, and Scott had told her about God’s love. It had made her believe there might be something better for her in the future, but today his attitude had told her it wasn’t with him. There wasn’t a future for her with anyone. The sooner she got off Ocracoke and jump-started her life somewhere else, the better off she’d be.

  Scott leaned back in the front porch wicker chair and listened to the waves breaking on the beach behind the dune ridge next to the house. Still shaken from the nightmare that had awakened him, he concentrated on the night sounds around him. He wondered if he would ever be able to lie down and sleep without being alert for signs of something amiss. His nights would be more peaceful if he could rid himself of this holdover from his military service.

  He relaxed in the quiet surrounding him. There was nothing to signal danger for his sisters sleeping inside the house. He smiled at the thought of Betsy and Emma, safe in their beds, and Kate who would soon be a mother at her home a few miles away. How did he ever get so lucky to be here with them?

  To someone looking at his life from the outside, it might appear he had everything a guy could want—a family, a job he liked and a new start on a beautiful island. There was only one thing missing, and it was something he’d told himself over and over he could never have. A woman to share all the good things that had happened to him was what he truly wanted, but he didn’t deserve it. And he sure didn’t deserve someone like Lisa Wade.

  Lisa’s face flashed in his mind, and he winced. Where was she now? Still with Travis Fleming? The last ferry left Hatteras at midnight, she’d said. It was one-thirty in the morning, so she should be at Treasury’s by now.

  He glanced down at the cell phone in his hand. Several times he’d started to phone her but had changed his mind. She’d think he was out of his mind to call at this hour. And she would be right. If he was honest with himself, he’d admit he couldn’t stand to think of her having a good time with another man. Not when all he wanted was for her to be with him.

  The front door opened, and Betsy stepped onto the porch. “Scott, what are you doing out here?”

  He sat up straight in the chair. “I couldn’t sleep.”

  She eased into the chair next to him. “Was it another nightmare?”

  He groaned and raked his hand through his hair. “Yes, but they don’t come as often as they used to.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  He pushed to his feet and walked to the railing around the porch. His heart thudded. The dream tonight had been different. There were no wounded or dying men around him, just a road winding across a desert terrain.

  He pressed his hands to either side of his head, but he couldn’t erase the pictures forming in his mind. Why couldn’t he talk about it? He’d kept it hidden for so long, even though he knew God was disappointed. He wanted Scott to tell the story to everyone he met. Others needed to know the message he had been given on that hot day. But he had failed God, just as he had failed so many others.

  The memory he’d kept locked in his heart burst into his mind, and his head jerked back as if it had been rocked by an explosion. It had never seemed like the right time or the right person to hear it before, but now something had changed. God had given him the family he never thought he’d have. It was time to do what God wanted—tell the story he’d held on to for so long, and who better to start with than one of his sisters.

  He took a deep breath. “When I went to the hospital in San Antonio, my doctors knew there was something I was hiding that could help me heal the emotional scars left by the war, but I wouldn’t open up to them. God reminds me every day about it, but I’ve never been able to tell anyone.”

  Betsy leaned closer. “If it’ll help you get better, you need to talk about it.”

  He closed his eyes and frowned, then rubbed his hand across his eyelids. “On my last assignment we were in very dangerous territory. It was impossible to tell our friends from our enemies. We had to be on alert at all times, but that didn’t keep us from losing a lot of good men. I blamed myself for their deaths, for not protecting them. I’d come to the point that I took a lot of unnecessary risks by putting myself on the front line instead of them.”

  “I can see you doing that.”

  “The morning it happened, I had been awake all night thinking about the patrol we were going to do the next day. When we started out, I got in the driver’s seat of the Humvee. The guy riding with me had just gotten word that his wife had given birth to a baby boy, and all I could think about was keeping him safe so he could get home to see his son. He was in a talkative mood that morning about the baby, but I couldn’t listen for scanning the area for hostiles.” He cleared his throat, then continued. “As the morning progressed and we didn’t see anybody, I began to relax a little, thought maybe I’d worried about nothing. Then all of a sudden, a herd of sheep came out of nowhere. I hadn’t seen them beside the road. They were just there all of a sudden and surrounded my Humvee. They filled up the road and walked in front so that I had to slow to a crawl.”

  She scooted closer to him. “What happened next?”

  “The guy riding with me yelled at them to move and those behind us honked their horns for me to speed up, but I didn’t want to run over the sheep. They just ambled along like they were out on a morning stroll and didn’t scatter even with all the noise. Then all of a sudden there was an explosion that nearly threw me out of my seat. Dirt and rocks rained down on the top of our Humvee, and we ducked as best we could.” He swallowed hard. “I thought at first we were under attack, but there wasn’t a second explosion. The sheep ran off in all directions, and I climbed out of the Humvee. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had to grab the side of the vehicle to keep from collapsing.”

  “What did you see?”

  “Just feet in front of my Humvee was a crater in the middle of the road where an IED had exploded.
I walked to the edge of the hole and looked down. Then my knees did buckle, and I dropped to the ground. A dead lamb lay in the bottom of the crater. That lamb had led the way when the sheep crowded in front of me, and he ended up giving his life for me.”

  “Oh, Scott,” Betsy gasped, “you could have been killed.”

  He nodded. “But I wasn’t. The lamb had sacrificed its life for me. I knelt on the side of that big hole and stared down at the lamb, and I knew God had sent me a message that day.”

  Her forehead wrinkled. “What kind of message?”

  “When I went into the military, I felt alone and didn’t think there was anybody who loved me.” He grasped Betsy’s hand. “I didn’t know about you and Kate and Emma. I thought I was destined to be by myself forever, but God told me that day I wasn’t alone. He reminded me someone else loved me and died for me long before that lamb did on that desert road. Jesus, the Lamb of God, came to be a sacrifice for my sins.” His voice grew thick with emotion. “God spoke to me and told me if I really believed that, He could help me through anything. He would always be with me. I do believe that, Betsy. But why don’t I act like I do?”

  Betsy chuckled. “Our faith is weak sometimes, but it sounds like you know where to turn when yours is.”

  “I do. Every time something happens to remind me how fragile life is, I say ‘Remember the lamb.’ I say it over and over, and it’s like God wraps His arms around me to protect me.”

  “God watched over you that day.”

  “And many more after that.” He smiled at her. “Like He did the day I came to meet my family. God’s been telling me He’ll take my wartime memories away, but I haven’t let Him have complete control over my healing. I think I can do that now.”

  “You just have to put your complete faith in Him.”

  “You’re the first person I’ve ever told that story to, but you can’t be the last. God knew He was going to bring me to you, Kate and Emma, and that really started me on the road back. Now I’ve got to start giving His message to other people who are hurting. If I do that, I think I can put the past behind me.”

  Betsy didn’t say anything for a moment, then she leaned over and kissed Scott on the cheek. “I’m glad I was the first person you told. I love you, Scott. Like Emma says—you’re the best big brother any girl could have. We’ve noticed the changes in you since you came to the island. God has a way of working miracles here on Ocracoke.”

  “Yeah, He does.” In the distance a black-crowned night heron called out, and Scott closed his eyes. God was everywhere here, and he wanted Lisa to know that, too. “I need some sisterly advice with another problem.”

  Betsy stared up at him. “What is it?”

  “I don’t know what to do, Betsy. I’ve told myself over and over there’s no place for a woman in my life until I face my problems. Then Lisa comes along, and I can’t think straight.”

  Betsy reached up and caressed his cheek. “Scott, you are a wonderful man, and you deserve to have somebody to love. You said God knew He was going to bring you to us. Lisa may have been part of that big plan, too. Don’t limit God. Let Him give you all the wonderful things He has planned for you.”

  He shook his head. “I want to do that, but I think I’ve put an end to anything happening between Lisa and me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He took a deep breath and related the events that had taken place in the office at lunchtime. “And now she hates me, and she’s out on a date with another man.”

  Betsy buried her face in his shoulder and chuckled. “Oh, Scott. Lisa doesn’t hate you. Jason’s words may have frightened her as much as they did you. Then after you wouldn’t eat with her, she decided she’d have to show you that you weren’t the only guy interested in her.”

  His mouth gaped open, and he stared into her eyes. “You think so?”

  “I do. After all, she has her pride. A girl can’t let a guy think she’s going to be available whenever he has time for her. We like to keep the men in our lives guessing what we’re going to do next.”

  “If that’s what she’s trying to do, she’s succeeding.”

  Betsy grinned. “Well, good for her. The two of you have spent so much time together lately, you may have started thinking Lisa is going to be there waiting for you to tell her what to do next. No girl likes to be taken for granted. This may be her way of letting you know you’d better make up your mind about your feelings before she looks somewhere else.”

  He shook his head. “I think my problem is that I don’t understand women.”

  “And that’s the way we women like it.” She hugged him and laughed. “Especially with you strong silent types who have a hard time telling a girl how you feel. Just remember this, Scott—if God hadn’t spared your life on that desert road, you never would have met Lisa. He may have had her in the big plan for your life even before you knew her.”

  “Do you really think so?”

  “I do, but you’re the one who needs to believe it, too.” She stifled a yawn. “Now, I’m going back to bed, and I suggest you get some sleep, too. You have work to do tomorrow, and some of it is called mending fences.”

  He kissed her on the forehead and watched as she disappeared back into the house. Once again he breathed a prayer of thanks to God for bringing him to his sisters. They had been better medicine for him than anything his doctors had prescribed in the past.

  He leaned against the railing and stared up at the twinkling stars that always reminded him of God’s presence. Betsy’s words about how God might have brought Lisa into his life to make it better rang in his ears. He wasn’t sure about that. Not yet. But a small hope that she might be right burned in his heart. Now if he could figure out how to apologize to Lisa for his behavior today, she might give him a chance to find out if Betsy was right.

  THIRTEEN

  The makeup Lisa had put on this morning couldn’t hide the dark circles under her eyes. She leaned closer to the mirror and studied her reflection. Her sleepless night had left its mark on her features. With a sigh, she picked up the brush from the dresser and pulled it through her hair.

  She must have watched the minutes click off on the digital clock by her bedside all night long. All she could think about was Scott’s abrupt attitude with her yesterday at the station. It seemed his personality had changed without warning. One minute he acted happy and caring, and the next he’d shifted into what she’d begun to call his shutdown mode. When that Scott appeared, she had no idea what to expect. If that was any indication of what a relationship with him would be like, she needed to rethink the possibility of anything developing between the two of them. She didn’t want to end up like her mother—looking for love from someone else because her husband didn’t have time for her.

  She grabbed the tube of lipstick on the dresser and swiped it across her lips, then stepped back to review her appearance. Satisfied that she’d done all she could to make herself presentable, she reached for her handbag at the moment a knock sounded at the door.

  Frowning, she strode across the room and threw the door open. Her heart pounded at the sight of Scott standing in the hallway. As always, his uniform clung to his body and enhanced the muscles in his arms and chest. Happiness at seeing him bubbled up in her before she recalled the events of the day before.

  She flipped her hair over her shoulder and propped her hand on her hip. “What are you doing here?”

  Her skin burned from the searing gaze that raked her face. “I drive you to work every morning. Remember?”

  So he wasn’t here to see her. He had only come out of a sense of duty because he’d promised to drive her back and forth to work. Disappointment pricked her heart. She whirled to pick up her purse. “I’ll just be a moment.”

  When she turned around, he’d stepped into the room. “Did
you have a good time last night?”

  She looped the purse strap over her shoulder and lifted her chin. “I did. Travis took me to a fancy restaurant, and I enjoyed the evening.”

  “That’s good.”

  She studied the man before her, a handsome sheriff’s deputy who could make any woman’s heart race, but there was another side to him—one she feared. The Scott who still relived the memories of the battlefield frightened her, but her own past haunted her even more. The choices she’d made had chiseled a chunk out of her soul, and she didn’t know if she could ever really trust a man again.

  “I’ve known Travis all my life, and he thought I needed to get out and have a good time. He was right. I’m sure you have better things to do than spend all your time keeping tabs on me, and I need to be with other people.”

  He blinked. “Is that what you want?”

  She took a deep breath. “Yes, but I hope we can still be friends.”

  His eyes narrowed, and he nodded. “I’ll always be your friend, Lisa. But there’s something I need to tell you.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “About yesterday. I want to apologize about my behavior at lunch. I had a lot on my mind.”

  “There’s no need for that. I understand how stressful your job can be. I was concerned, though. You slammed the door so hard when you left I was afraid you had broken the hinges.”

  He looked away. “Yeah, I guess I acted like a jerk. I won’t do that again.”

  She eased across the floor and stopped in front of him. He was so close she could smell his aftershave. She longed to put her arms around his neck and pull his lips down to hers. Instead she stepped back. “You’re not a jerk, Scott Michaels, but you need to be honest. I think your reaction yesterday might have been brought on because you don’t want me to find out if Ean Thornton is my father.”

  His jaw tensed, and he stared at her. “I know we can’t help who our parents are, but I really hope Ean isn’t your father. You’re a good friend, and I only want to save you from heartache.”